Healing

Sorry for the long blog absence. We’ve been going through some rough times and it‘s been hard to find words. Last Thursday we went to the ER again for heavy bleeding, and 13 hours later left much worse for wear. With my hormone count at almost 50,000, they still couldn’t find a heartbeat, and the ultrasound results had not changed. They ended up doing a suction D and C, which is where they remove the remaining tissue from the uterus after a failed pregnancy. It was all very scary and sad, but we’re slowly recovering and recouping. And let me tell you, without the love and devotion of my husband, and the ever present peace of our God, we wouldn’t have made it. Speaking of which, He is risen! Easter Sunday was yesterday, so these pictures are a little late, but I wore for the first time my darling Piano Lesson Dress, by Elsie at Red Velvet, who also writes one of my most favorite blogs of all time! http://abeautifulmess.typepad.com/ :)

The dress was an anniversary gift from my Yeti, so thank you!! <3

I’ve never been “put under” before, or had any surgical procedures of any kind for that matter before, so it was all very strange. Waking up from the anesthesia, before I even opened my eyes, I was calling for “Yeti, my husband, yeti.” which confused the nurses some, heh. When me and Calvin were in High school, we used to myspace chat or IM every night that we could, sometimes even until the sun was rising. One conversation, he was saying how he never wore a jacket because he never gets cold, so we started calling him Yeti. I called him “my yeti” which of course meant I was flirting, but he didn’t get that until years later lol. And because I’m just generally a little on the violent side and have super sharp incisors, he started calling me vampress, (vampire princess, tehe) which of course meant he was flirting, and I definitely knew it ^_^. Fast forward a few years, we’re Yeti and the Vamp, and I’m more used to calling him Yeti than Calvin. So calling for my yeti at the hospital was very normal to me and very confusing the the staff . Eventually, I came around, and after a life-changing grape popsicle, was feeling much more myself. A few wobbly knee’d hours later, we got to go home and try to recover emotionally, as well as physically.

Clarification: snow, not dandruff.

I’m having some residual weird cramping and had an extremely scratched up throat from the breathing tube they put in, but other than that we’ve been doing okay. It still hurts to see baby commercials, and happy moms with adorably dressed bundles in their arms, but I know that this isn’t the end. We still have a whole future of babies and grand babies to look forward to, and honestly, even if we never can have any, I am wholly fulfilled by the love and adoration to and from my husband, family, and creator.

 

Yes, I know I have very bent pinky fingers :P

 As you can see, I couldn't really decide how to style the dress completely, so I did a few different options :P Also, cute tiny one polka dot nails! Hehe.

 I know with most blogs that it’s generally frowned upon to not be Mrs. Uppity Optimism all the time, which is why I’ve been reluctant to post details of everything that’s happened lately. But I trust that you guys can bear with me through the rough times, because there are surely brighter days ahead, promise.

Also, one a side note:

I bought this amazing old super heavy metal Brother sewing machine at a thrift store, for only ten dollars! I hope to learn how to do some clothes altering soon, after my mom teaches me how to use it! :)

　

And, while thrifting, we found a couple new ugly owl figurines to add to my collection. They're the two cat looking ones on the bottom shelf. Collecting these little guys has been a hobby of mine for a couple of years now. I know they’re nothing much to most people, but their sentimental value vastly outweighs their monetary value! I love each of them so much! :)

Thanks so much for reading, and, as always, feel free to follow, comment, and share! Have a great day! :)

Shades of Grey

 These past few days have honestly been some of the most trying and scary days of my life.

Last Thursday afternoon, I casually mentioned to the nurse that I had been experiencing some light spotting and cramping and asked if that was normal (because I'd read online that it was), and to my chagrin, she told me that no bleeding during pregnancy was normal and I should go to the ER right away to get it checked out. 5 hours and a pint of blood later, we were told heart-breaking news: there was, most likely, not going to be a normal pregnancy that would result in a baby.
That was how the doctor worded it- not a normal pregnancy.

Basically they ran all of my blood tests and did a myriad of awkward Russian ultrasounds and found nothing.  (The ultrasounds weren't Russian, the technician was, and boy was she friendly.) For how high my pregnancy hormones are, they should definitely be able to see the baby forming, and instead they just found the little pouch where it was supposed to be but no baby :(

It could be a few different options, some worse than others, but still all very sad and heart-wrenching. I will not lie and tell you it has been easy, but it has not broken us, nor will it.

 I am very much convinced that, despite the sometimes overwhelming pain and sense of loss, this has all happened for a reason and that we are still
very much loved and taken care of.

All of that being said, I've been a complete shut-in until now, avoiding all technology and anything that could possibly remind me of real life and what had happened. Times like this remind me how much of a solace that books are. It is an incredible gift that authors give us, to be able to crack the cover of a book and instantly be in another world and time where the problems and dilemmas are not your own.

Books, if I have not told you sooner: I delight in you.

I've read a few books lately, but I wanted to specifically feature a book called Shades of Grey by Jasper Fforde. Not only does it have awesome cover art

But it is also crazy well written and to date, one of my favorite sci-fi, oppression/revolution, dramas I've ever read. Which is saying something.

The book opens to a society where everything is based upon what color you can see. Everyone can see only one dominant color, and whatever color that is determines your social standing, who you can speak to, marry, be friends w/ etc. It centers on the life of Eddie Russet, a "Red" who has never known anything but rules and doing everything possible to benefit the collective. Each chapter begins with one rule out of countless rules, of said collective. Some of my favorites are:

9.3.88.32.025: The cucumber and the tomato are both

fruit; the avocado is a nut. To assist with the dietary

requirements of vegetarians, on the first Tuesday of the

month a chicken is officially a vegetable.

1.31.01.06: Anyone caught paying underprice or overprice

for goods or services shall be fined.

2.5.03.16.81: Lighting Avoidance Drill is to be practiced at

least once a week.

On top of being obsessed with color, real and artificial, the society presented is also indelibly preoccupied with three things: lighting strikes, swan attacks, and spoons.

equals awesome.

All of the rules, over time and word of mouth and clerical error, have eventually become a confusing mass of strict procedures that cannot be questioned, or changed, and have become often amusingly out of date. As such, the manufacture of spoons has been forbidden which has caused a massive shortage of them. Spoons have become a precious item, and everyone that can afford it carries one at all times with their ID number stamped into it so it can not be lost. On top of that, every so often the government enforces a strict technological turn back, where they out law modern technology in an effort to keep the citizens silent and reliant on the collective.

The story goes on to tell how Eddie meets a Grey, named Jane, who, while rough around the edges, captivates Eddie's thoughts, and eventually leads him to discover a entire new mind set and changes his future forever. The whole book is extremely imaginative, and completely hilarious. I highly recommend it. It was a great reminder not to blindly follow without questioning and that rules, while in place to secure out safety and well-being, need contsant reform with the changing of times. In honor of Shades of Grey and my own love of old cutlery, I put together a list of spoon related etsy finds and even a couple from my own house below!

1. Antique Silver Serving Pieces can be found at

http://www.etsy.com/shop/onecozynest?ref=pr_shop_more

2. Gorgeous Vintage Spoon Ring at

http://www.etsy.com/shop/thegraymaniac?ref=pr_shop_more

3. Sweet Big and Little Spoon Embroidery

http://www.etsy.com/shop/merriweathercouncil?ref=pr_shop_more

4. Pretty Antique Flatware Drawing

http://www.etsy.com/shop/lifeatthetable?ref=pr_shop_more

5. The sweetest ever, "Loved Beyond Measure" print at

http://www.etsy.com/shop/DawnSmithDesigns?ref=pr_shop_more

6. And this teeny tiny baking pan and measuring spoon charm necklace:

http://www.etsy.com/shop/PixieDust?ref=pr_shop_more

And from my own house:

<3

We go in for more ultrasounds this Friday, and I will update the blog as soon as I know more. I hope you all have a lovely day, and thank you so much for reading!

If I had you babe, If I had you.

In honor of me and the Yeti being married for four months today, I thought I'd do a post showing some of the cards I've made him over the years!!

And the most recent:

 I love you with all of my heart Yeti!! Happy fourth monaversary!!

(P.S. We have our first official baby Dr. appt. today! Wish us luck! :D)

All Images (C) Grace Elizabeth McConnell and made with love and care so please don't steal!

Dirty Details

 When I was seven, my parents decided they wanted to move from our big city to somewhere a bit smaller and safer, so we moved to a little town farther than the middle of no where. At that time, the closest Wal-Mart was 40 miles away. (That's how we country folk judge the size of the town by the way, distance to the nearest Wal-Mart for all of our flip flop and Astroturf needs.)





Growing up in a place that small had some big advantages and some catastrophically huge disadvantages. One of them being the plague of gossip. Literally, it is the black death out there. If you got your period or had a nail bed infection, everyone knew it. Sometimes even before you did. You'd go to school one day and people would tell you things that you didn't know (or ever want to) about your own brother, or how you're totally in love with someone you've never met. And all of the gossip turned out just like that game telephone, with the end result being drastically different from how it started. Things like, “Jenny is mad at Brooke.” turned into, “Jenny is both bipolar and homicidal and she's training her dog to destroy every member of Brooke's family.” I wish I was joking. So a blog like this, before escaping that little rural town, would have been out of the question. I'm saying all of this to remind us bloggers out there what a privilege it is that we can choose exactly what we want to share and what light to portray ourselves in, and how fundamentally important it is for us not to abuse that gift and be as honest as we possibly can. I want you to know, who you read about in this blog is exactly who I am, and I will do the best I can to maintain that promise.

I'm also mentioning all of this for the current residents of rural towns: see the world. Don't stay where you are because it feels safe, but explore and create for yourself a world where you can be uniquely you and are not afraid of the judgment of your neighbors or the kid down the street that you had a crush on in the 4^th grade. So much of my life I was afraid to look how or say what I wanted because of the oppressive collective view of everyone I grew up with. I don't blame them though, they just don't know better. But please trust me, there is so much freedom in uncertainty. There is an entire world who will love every little weird quirk and fungal infection and your desire to wear something other than mucking boots in public. I know, it's shocking.  It reminds me of one of my favorite quotes:

Never grow a wishbone, daughter, where your backdone ought to be." -Clementine Paddleford

Some advantages of said tiny town though, were the beautiful scenery, ability to leave your home and walk to your friends house across town at any time of night, and all of the outdoor freedom. (Not to mention I met my wonderful husband there, who is out getting me cherry garcia ice cream right now hehe.) You never had to worry about getting lynched in a dark alleyway, and, except for that one time when I got bit in the butt cheek by a pit bull, alleyways were a relatively safe and quick mode of travel. We got to run in fields of rhubarb and build janky tree forts with rusty nails for ladders and our parents never had to worry. Because everyone was so known, you never had to worry if they were serial killers or sexual predators or worse, democrats. (joke) And looking back, I'm glad my parents had that peace of mind. Looking at becoming parents ourselves soon, I wonder what choice we will make when that time comes: Safety and peace-of-mind, or social, educational and economic advantages? What do you guys think?

(Also, In these pictures I'm wearing a target cardigan and dress, thrifted heels and a Charlotte Russe Necklace.)

Because this entry was so uncreative and generally blah, I've attached my latest Nerdy Vlog to let you all know I'm not terribly boring and serious.

Bumps and Bruises

 I'm posting this entry entirely while making this face: ^_^.

Today has been a darn great day. Every day I get up, I get more and more excited for this little baby to come and see it's big (presumably blue) eyes staring up at us and holding my finger in its tiny little fist. All of that being said, I am mad freaking terrified. But that's fine.

Every great thing that has ever happened to me has come at a price.

And oh boy baby, will you be great. Also every day that I get up, my little baby bump gets a tiny fractional amount bigger.

 Which I find, stupid exciting. Stupid exciting is that moment when you see your favorite writer in the Gap and, trying to express your devotion without sounding like a fan girl, you fumble for words and blurt out something like, "I love your books, that one about the dead girl's cousin was so- so graunt." (Which of course to you meant combination great and good but to everyone else sounds like a crotch itch medication.) And, not unlike crotch itch medication, our baby is quickly becoming a comfort, a soothing smooth place to visit amidst the chaos of work and school and watching every episode of cake boss on Netflix. I already feel my heart growing every day a little, fractional, baby-bump amount.

Also, yesterday our neighbor was giving away a killer bamboo papasan chair for free, so we picked it up and bought a new cushion for it at The World Market. If my love for the WM could be expressed through 80's movie references, it would be my baby in the corner, my polka dotted- all pink prom dress, my time-traveling DeLorean. The cushion we ended up buying was a prefect sage green color to match what we hope to paint the baby's room, and super soft for late night rockings. Yes, this papasan can rock. Unfortunately the cushion is a little too big for the chair, so it ends up looking like a large mass of lardy seaweed. Honestly though, it's like sitting inside of your mom's hug from grade school, after Sam M. sat on and crushed the science project you and your dad spend all last night building. It is goooood.

(See above: lardy green adoration.)

Today has also been crazy great because, while casually chatting to my dad about how much everything for the "baby chill lounge", (I refuse to use the word nursery, it reminds me of faded lace and stone faced porcelain dolls on high shelves.) he dropped a huge, generous amount of cash to help us pay for everything. Literally, everything we needed. I was in such shock I don't think I even expressed my gratitude enough, so hopefully you're reading this Dad. You're the best Dad in every way. I can only hope me and the Yeti can be as great a strong, loyal, ever-guiding moral compass to our kid(s). On the scale of great dads you're up there with the dad of the creator of Spanx and that sham-wow guy. We used some of the money today to buy a crib mattress and those ugly safety padding edge guard things to keep our baby's tiny grapefruit head from bruising too bad when it inevitably falls.

While we were at the big WM, we also picked up this freaking adorable toy.

(See above: tiniest watermelon in existance.)

 It's a little tray of (vastly disproportional) foods, along with a play knife and cutting board. Each hand painted, wooden piece is precut in half with velcro in the middle so you can pretend cut it! Maybe I'm geeking out right now, but I think its just the sweetest darn thing. I love simple, colorful, charming toys like this. If anyone knows where to find more like it, let me know!

We also bought some wicked comfortable p-lady jeans (p as in pregnant, another word that conjures unpleasant images in my mind. Health class, teachers oily bald head, the word 'flaccid'. *Cringe*) because all of my jeans are getting tight already. Who knew a huge band of spandex would be insanely comfortable squishing your belly? I will wear these things 24-7!

Sorry for this long-winded blog, I'm still getting used to this stuff. Thanks for the read, please share my link and follow! <3

Introduction

Beginnings are always so awkward. New relationships, classes, hobbies, learning something for the first time. They all make me feel a little weird and queasy like when you swam too long in the lake and swallowed a bunch of algae filled water. So, *gulp* here's to a new beginning. A new blog to share with you my thoughts, inspirations, links to things I love, occasional fashion posts, and to update my friends and family about the day to day growing and changing of the baby in my stomach :D

Right in this area: baby.

Yes, I'm pregnant. At the time of this post, we found out two days ago, so we're still reeling a tad. We, as in me and my husband, Calvin (the yeti) McConnell. When we wake up in the morning, we lay there for a little bit, eyes adjusting to the room, staring at the ceiling through matted hair before we remember, holy crap there’s a baby growing in me. So it will take some getting used to, but through this blog you will see the evolution of me from human to whale, then us with a newborn baby!! :D

You may be asking,

"Who are you strange girl, and why would I want to read about you?"

My name is Grace (the vamp) McConnell. I fancy myself a writer. I've maintained an online vlog for over two years doing writing and literature reviews and I decided it was time to take it to text. I love stories. I love telling stories. I love that moment when you're making something up off of the top of your head and everything falls together perfectly and strangely. I hate long division, red meat, and costco. I always want to add a letter U to the word ‘horse’. I genuinely don’t care to read your copy-pasted Marilyn Monroe quotes. I like scientific illustrations and museum exhibits. I love the clean ivory and taupe and glass and lighting and education. I wish the whole world was a museum. I am married to my best friend.

We crushed on each other in high school but were always too afraid to talk in person. We'd IM until all hours of the night, but when school came around, we'd awkwardly fiddle with our jackets zippers or strike up a conversation with a random person next to us whenever we saw each other. It took three years, a fateful 3 hour drive, the smell of grapes, goose bumps, and an Alesana concert to get us together, but we've never looked back.

But to answer why you should read this, I have no idea. I hope it fills you with a little brightness in our murky, lake water world.