I've been thinking alot lately about what defines us as people. I think a lot of us attempt to get our self-worth from what the people around us think or feel about our lives- the way we dress, how clean our house is, how often we attend church.
My entire life, I've alwaysalwaysalways felt good when people felt good about me and felt bad when people felt bad about me, and I've never given it a second thought. After graduating though, and moving on to get married and carve our own lives out for ourselves, it's made me very anxious and overthink-y whenever I see someone from Highschool. I'm sure a lot of people feel this way too! Especially in this day and age of social media, it gets so awkward to see an old acquaintance in real life because we feel like we have to prove how well we're doing and show them how much we've improved and progressed. I get this gross fake persona happening and I totally hate it.
|Similar to this lady.|
(If you've seen Adventure Time, read what she's saying in LSP's voice, baha.)
I really enjoy who me and Calvin are when it's me and Calvin. I feel crazy content when it's just us sitting around being with each other, I never feel any need for anything. I have all of the attention and friendship and comradery that I need. In this blog too! I feel like I really get a chance to represent accurately who we are here. It's only when you try to mix other people in that have preconcieved ideas of who I am that I get all weird and self concious and defensive. I need to relax! I'm really working on shutting down that part of my personality that get's all hyperanxious to prove anything to anyone. We're good people, we're happy, but we are not perfect and that's okay!
Because Calvin and I 'took a risk' by getting married so young, against the advice of some friends and most of society, I feel like we really need to prove to everyone that it was a good decision, the best decision in fact, and that we're thriving and growing and are going to make it. But you know what? I know we're going to make it, and Calvin knows we're going to make it and I really need to recognize that is enough. My God's opinion matters, my husband's opinion matters. Above and beyond that, any negativity or judgement forced on us by strangers or even friends and family is going to be pushed by the wayside. It puts a ton of pressure on my shoulders always trying to look and act perfect all the time, when we're not perfect at all. We fight sometimes. We bicker about oranges and sock colors and a million other irrelevent little issues but at the end of the day our love is unceasing and that is all that matters. The health of our love is one of our biggest priorities, and we are fighters and we will make it on this Earth and what lies beyond, and that is that :)
If you are someone who also struggles with this, I want you to know that worry gets you nowhere. You can actually look pretty lame, always trying to look great and wonderful and like we're not all falling apart because we are and that's okay. It also makes other really great people feel like crap, when you try so hard to make everyone believe you're flawless. This world is not meant for us to be perfect, that part comes later. Right now, we are deeply flawed. Fake personas and appearences are a vicious cycle, and I plan to keep them out of my own life. I hope you aim to join me when you feel ready.
Have a beautiful day.